Eyes Wide Open
by honeybeeze
Summary: Sometimes she wished she could close her eyes and not see that he was more than just a killer. Post-Naraku.


_Some facts before starting this story: Post-Naraku. Inuyasha doesnt kill Bankotsu. Instead he lives out of all of the band of seven. My inability to keep it past tense. The rest is in the story. Its chunks of Kagome and Bankotsu's life after the destruction of Naraku.  
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_Ugh, stupid story has been taunting me for weeks, months! I wanted to murder it and bury it in my backyard, except I have a dog and pretty sure she would just dig it up and then there would be odd questions...  
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_Music inspiration: Taylor swift; safe and sound. Regina Spektor; Samson.  
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_After reading and re-reading and re-wording and fretting over this stupid story, I finally gave up. There will be mistakes and I am sorry :/  
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_Let me know what you think. ;D_

_**8/19/12**_

_**An awesome reviewer, shippooliver, was cool enough to take them time to help me out. Shippo went over my story and helped me fix some glaring mistakes. I did my best to fix them, but Shippo, your so rad. So hopefully those who have read this will enjoy it more and future people will never know ^^. Let me know of mistakes, things I can work on, and if you enjoyed it :)**_

* * *

Kagome wished she could close her eyes. That she could be a child with childish dreams and believe that everything is black and white. She wish she could cover her eyes and tell herself that there was only good and only bad.

She wished she didn't care.

That she could remove herself and her personal feelings. That she could ignore Bankotsu has an heart. That he was more than a murderer that tried to kill her and her friends. In reality, he was a person with love and laughter and warmth inside him with friends and a life besides being a killer. She didn't want to know his life before being a killer or how he cried when his friends died. The horrible sound of regret and sobs that sucked the breath from him.

But she couldn't.

Just like Inuyasha, Sango, Kouga, Kikyo, even Naraku. She couldn't _not_ look.

She couldn't _not_ look at the expression of anguish at the sight of his last friend breathing his last breath, she couldn't _not_ look at the anger and clenched teeth of pain, she couldn't _not_ look at the peace that settled over his features at the sight of the dead Naraku. And she felt for him, her heart aching and reaching out just like her fingers.

For once, she looked at the mercenary and saw more than just a mercenary. She saw that he was a son, a friend, a brother, a man that lost everything.

She felt pity for him. While she was spun around, laughing with Inuyasha, crying with Sango and hugging Miroku, he stood aside. Bankotsu was alone, his friends long dead, staring at the dusty remains of the man that betrayed him and his friends. A man left alone with his purpose fulfilled and left with nothing. He was left with no one.

Before he lived to be strong. In his second life he lived to kill the half demon that betrayed him and killed off his friends. Now with his third chance at life he was left with nothing.

She let her arms drop off Inuyasha, eyes watching the mercenary. His eyes were trained forward, features stony. He didn't glance at her as she approached, never turning away from pieces of the demon in front of him. She stood besides him, placing a hand on his forearm. He flinched but still didn't look at her.

"We did it," His arm clutching his bloody side tightened his grip.

"We did it." He echoed.

* * *

At first it was out of pity. And he knew it. It disgusted him. But he was also no idiot and knew he needed to recover from his wounds. With the departure of the demon slayer, monk and half demon, he stayed behind in a little unknown village with the priestess. He didn't know why she stayed behind and never asked just like how she never asked why he stayed.

Days became weeks and weeks into months.

Bloody flesh became scars yet he stayed.

He would never say it but she knew why. The same reason she stayed. Because the well had closed on her and Inuyasha had left as well as her friends to live out their lives. Their purpose. And yet the two left behind were without purpose. Her skin had swallowed up the jewel, which now lay dormant inside of her and he still held the strength that took out a half demon. But what was the point?

She was rotting in her own purgatory; no longer able to return home, yet no reason to stay in the feudal era. She was in a limbo of not being needed anywhere. He, on the other hand, could go about killing and murdering people. Yet why do it? He no longer had his brothers besides him to take over the world that they knew.

"Why not kill for good. Like bad demons?" He turned away from her but she was persistent, laying a hand on his arm.

"How would that help me?" She sighed and removed her hand. She always did that when she was disappointed in him.

"Maybe it would make you happy." He grimaced at her innocence and kindness. He felt dirty underneath her hand, his hands still sticky with blood.

"Doubt it," He couldn't see how that could ever make feel better.

* * *

Sometimes she would stare out. Nothing in specific but towards open fields. She stared as though she was waiting, like the answer to all her problems would pop up if she stared hard enough. But then nothing would happen and her calloused hands clutched together before she sighed in disappointment.

"Bankotsu," Her smile didn't reach her eyes. He didn't smile back. He didn't like it, this awkward expecting feeling she had sometimes, or fake cheerfulness. He knew why she did it. At night when she went to bed and she laid wide awake; waiting.

Because she loved him first. He was her everything underneath the sun.

He didn't understand himself, he didn't think the love for his brothers could do it justice. Or maybe the love she had for Inuyasha couldn't do for the love of his brothers justice. Was it the same tranquility he felt? The warmth and completeness and yet agony caused by them? The unbelievable pain that was housed inside his bones, no matter what justice or revenge he got for them.

She couldn't feel what he felt though. It pissed him off to even think she understood his pain. Sometimes he would catch her staring at him, and give him a close lipped smile; a pity smile. It pissed him off to think that through her eyes she said

'_I understand your pain.' _

Because she didn't. She didn't know the pain that came from having a brother; the one that smiled at your idiocy, laughed at your mistakes, cried when you were dying, angry for your pain, die. To die painfully, wheezing, and choking on his own blood in your arms. She didn't know that agony that would never leave him.

Because the one she loved, the one she couldn't live without was alive. He was eating and breathing and living without her. But he was alive.

She didn't understand. And he hated her for not understand.

* * *

"Don't look at me like that," He growled at her tight lipped smile. She glared at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"That!" He pointed at her face before storming forward.

"Don't you dare pity me. You don't know. You don't understand," Her eyes widened before narrowing.

"I lost people too, you know," She shoved him back, but he stepped forward with a hollow laugh.

"Lost people, they aint dead," She looked at the ground, gritting her teeth.

"At least they're alive," This time she shoved him and he stumbled back.

"You don't understand!" Her fist clenched as her voice cracked.

"The ones you love didn't choose to leave you-" Looking up, she glared at him.

"-They left this world not choosing to leave you. Mine did. Mine chose to leave me," Her voice gave and he no longer brought it up.

* * *

The village was not the one that Kaede died in, nor was it close to the well. She wasn't exactly sure where it was and none of the villagers knew who she was. They didn't know she was a priestess that held a jewel that could destroy the world.

They knew her as Kagome, good with herbs and a sweet loving priestess that stumbled into the village to care for a wounded man. They didn't know who Bankotsu was either. They didn't know he had been resurrected twice. That even though he should be dead without a jewel shard, he wasn't. That he was a murderer in all his lives and yet was barely 20. They knew him as the wounded warrior that decided to stay. That showed kindness to widows and burned anything he tried to cook.

And Kagome was ok with this.

She was ok with falling into the background and helping a small village. She was done trying to save the world and wanted to be selfish for once. But when a demon came, thrashing in rice fields and houses, the village learned there was more to the two wanderers. Bankotsu was more then just the man that laughed loudly and Kagome was more then the tolerant women. And yet when they destroyed the demon together and walked back to the village, they smiled and opened their arms, uncaring of their bloody paths.

Because it didn't matter.

Because Kagome had learned long ago from Inuyasha to move on from the past. To keep going. And so instead of waiting for Inuyasha to come running back, realizing he had always been in love with Kagome, she smiled and stored him into her heart in a corner only for him.

* * *

Sometimes she would wake up and stare at the ceiling of her hut. And a pain would start in her chest and she would start breathing oddly and she would force herself to remember that she saved the world. That she had purpose and there was something left for her. But that feeling left her hurting throughout that day.

On those days she couldn't smile at Bankotsu.

Couldn't reassure him that he had purpose besides being a murderer. That there was more to life then all that. Those days he was silent like he knew she couldn't. And she was thankful for that.

But it was also those days that she would remember that she could live in a way she wanted. That she didn't need to cause anymore pain and death. That she could laugh and play with the village children without a tugging reminder that she could be the life or death of many people. Now she could do what ever she wanted. Travel or makes friends and never worry about them being in an evil plot, or meet a man, maybe a farmer and start a family. Have children and gossip with other women in the village and grow old and have grandchildren.

She remembered that she was free now.

* * *

There were dark days, she liked to call them. There was good and bad days for him. He said he never regretted all the death he caused.

"It doesn't bother you?" She rubbed her arms in discomfort. No matter how she reasoned that she only killed bad demons that came after her, it still left a bitter taste on her tongue. He shrugged.

"Na, not really." But bad days were when he wouldn't smile. He wouldn't laugh and joke and pinch her cheeks. He would stay inside his house or would leave. She didn't know what caused the bad days, and didn't know got him out of them. She never asked and he never said.

"Where are you going?" He shrugged again in away like he didn't know himself. He was heading out of the village, Banryu thrown over his shoulder. When ever he left, it made her nervous. She didn't know if he would get hurt or killed or worse; leave her.

"When will you be back?" Again that shrug. But he would come back. No matter how long the dark days were, he would come back. And those days she would cry and hit him when he came back. She was so scared and so relieved that he was there. He didn't say anything, but he understood.

"What do you do when you leave?" She stirred their dinner, glancing over at Bankotsu nonchalantly. She expected a shrug. Instead he was silent, staring at her. Her stirring slowed and the silence filled the room; making it stuffy and suffocating. She tried to stare back. Finally he answered.

"I like to visit my brothers."

The next time he left, she followed and understood. The next time he had a dark day, he found flowers on the make-shift grave of his brothers, where Naraku had been defeated.

* * *

He realized he loved her when they fought. When they were at each others throats and she was screaming hoarse at him. She would lock her jaw to the side and he knew that look.

It was the _'she was more pissed then possible' _and he would have to watch where her fist was since she couldn't sit him like Inuyasha.

She started jabbing her index finger into his chest, with another on her hip.

"You think you're so great," Another jab.

"You think you're _so _amazing," He snorted at her threats, making her eyes thin even more.

"Well you got another thing coming,"

"What about you?"

"What?"

"You think you're so great. Think that you'll find your perfect little husband and perfect family."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Cause it's not gonna happen," He snapped causing her to step back.

"Inuyasha isn't coming back," He knew it stepped over a line. She looked so unbelievably angry and so hurt before turning and walking away. He didn't run after her because she always came back. Sullen and waiting for an apology, but she came back. He didn't give one usually.

That time it was different.

She didn't look for him, instead she avoided him. Days passed where he would catch glimpses of her. He would turn a corner and see her standing besides some women, giggling and when he approached she jogged away. He would call out for her but she stayed away. She gave him the distance that he always wanted, always complained she never gave him. But it was too much. It was like he was reaching out and she would barely be in his grasp and float away like a leaf down a river.

"Kagome," She was crouched over her garden, picking at leaves.

"Kagome," She didn't acknowledge him. Instead of shaking her and forcing her to look at him like he wanted, he spoke.

"I'm sorry," He heard her sigh before she stood. She turned towards him but didn't look him in the eye.

"No, Bankotsu, I'm sorry," He wasn't relieved. Because he wanted her to yell at him, punch his chest and glare at him. Because he knew then, she would forgive him. She would sigh and smile up at him before reaching out and patting his arm. But she wasn't. She wouldn't look at him and held her arms to her chest.

"I shouldn't rely on you like I do. I get it," She took a step back. His chest squeezed at the words, at the distance between them.

"Kagome,"

"No, you know your right. Inuyasha isn't coming back. And I can live with that," It took him only one step to take her in his arms. She stood ridged in his arms as he buried his head into her neck and hair.

"I'm sorry," He squeezed her and felt her squeak. He knew it was hard, he was hugging her too roughly. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want her to go, he didn't want her to give them space. He wanted her to annoy him and whine at him and complain and nag at him. He wanted her to glare up at him and smile warmly at him. He wanted her to pat his arm and touch his neck and kiss his cheeks.

He wanted her.

* * *

She glared as she dragged her clothing out of the stream.

"You could help you know," Bankotsu sat back and watched as she struggled with the clothing. He shrugged and smirked. She rolled her eyes and looked back at her clothing. She glanced back over her shoulder after a few minutes. Bankotsu had leaned back and closed his eyes, completely relaxed. She smiled.

He looked so young, even if it was years ago that they first met. Back then, he was trying to kill her friends as well as her, she would have never believed today he would be comfortable enough to relax in front of her. She knew his trust had faded some as well as he forgiveness after Naraku but he still held it. She could kill him in his vulnerable state or deceive him by giving his position in the village away.

But those were some of the few qualities that she admired most of him and never wanted him to lose those.

He liked to call her innocent and naïve. But he was the one that trusted her, that forgave Inuyasha for trying to kill him when he came for a truce. He was the innocent one. She wished she had an ounce of trust he had, but she couldn't muster any from her soul. It had long since died with all deceit in her world.

She stood and dropped her clothing, yet he made no movement. She wondered if he would attack her if she tried to touch him. She wondered if she should make a sound when approaching him. She stood above him, staring down at the lines upon his forehead wanting to trace them. His eyes opened slowly and neither made a movement. She smiled and touched his arm.

"C'mon, let's go back," He nodded and stood, stretching as he went.

* * *

He was odd. He was young in a sense, teasing and rude. Yet old, seeing too much blood and death for someone so young. Sometimes he would stare into space, watch the children play and yet she knew he wasn't looking at them. He was seeing the corpses of the children he slaughtered like cattle or children who he orphaned.

She knows because she sees them as well.

Then he would turn to her, seeing her watch him and grin. More like leer and make a comment about her liking what she saw. And she would huff and cross her arms and he would walk over, still puffed up. Then his smirk would soften and he would touch her hair and let them slip through her fingers. And she would no longer be glaring but almost clueless to this feeling.

* * *

She didn't know how that time period dated. She knew from her time, the boy would approach her and show interest, with gifts or compliments then asking her out. Bankotsu had never been shy of his feelings; touching her hand, her hair.

Sometimes when she would go into the woods for herbs, he would come behind her and lean close. She would feel the huff of breath on her neck before brushing stray hair from her neck. And goose bumps would rise over her neck and up her spine and down to her fingertips. And she would turn and he was barely a breath away. And she would hold her breath and stare at his eyes before glancing down at his lips and up. And for a second she would think he was going to kiss her before he pulled away. And there would be an awkward pause as she turned and stared at the crumbled plant in her fist. And he would smile that relaxed smile and lean back and watch her as she set back to work.

She knew subtly, Inuyasha had been the definition.

But this was beyond subtly, this was a tease.

She didn't know what he wanted. He treated her like any other and yet only in small moments did he show a different side. He shouldn't have expected her to keep playing this game forever. She wouldn't. Inuyasha was different, he needed time to grow and mature.

Bankotsu knew what he was doing.

* * *

His name was Koenma. Tall and thin, when he smiled it was a small one. He worked in his father's fields and would someday own them. His parents made it a point of setting the two in marriage when she first arrived. She denied the proposal though, at the time. Koenma was never against it and never hid the fact he found her company enjoyable.

"Priestess," He stood a respectable distance but still was softly smiling. She smiled back.

He was stable. Normal. He could provide her with a life and a home and a family. After what had happened, after Naraku, it sounded good. Bankotsu didn't agree.

"He's a boring sap," She shrugged.

"He's got nothing going on up there and wont keep you excited," She shrugged again but smiled up at him. It didn't meet her eyes.

"But he will be with me. He won't leave me," She stared straight in his eyes then, no longer smiling.

"Or play with my feelings."

* * *

It was when she was dying did she realize her feelings. Blood was weeping from her stomach, but she couldn't feel it anymore.

"Kagome, listen to me. Kagome!" She rolled her eyes towards him. He was so beautiful with his soft cheeks and straight nose. She wanted to run her finger over the mark on his forehead, wanted to ask where it came from, where he had came from. She smiled.

"Hey," Her whisper caused him to look up from the bandaged around her mid section. The blood was blooming through the white fabric.

"Listen. Don't-… Don't close your eyes. Listen to me." She nodded.

She loved him because he was there. After months of everyone's departure, he stayed with her. He made her laugh and get angry and never think about what could have been. He would smirk and tug at her hair and laugh at her expense. He would glare at men and fight with men trying to court her.

She was no longer that young girl, looking for an adventure.

But she didn't want to settle with someone she couldn't love.

"Is he dead?" Her voice was low and weary. His nod was jerky.

"Yeah the demon's dead," She exhaled and dropped her head back down.

"Kagome… please-" His voice cracked and she could hear his teeth clench.

"-You have to stay with me," she could barely make out his words and she didn't know if it was because of him or her. His palm laid on her cheek and stared at her.

"Don't die, ok?" She inhaled and nodded. His palm slid to her chest to rest on her heart, a slow and tired rhythm. He sat listening to her heart as villagers ran for their healer. He sat and waited for her, listening and waiting.

And she knew she loved him for that.

* * *

She lived and told Koemna that she would not marry him. He wilted but nodded. She told him she was in love with another and she couldn't do that to Koemna, she wouldn't lead him on.

She smiled more after being attacked by the bear demon and no longer worried over silly things.

It was like the world had tilted slightly, barely unnoticeable yet an odd feeling because she realized she needed a balance. That she wanted a normal life with excitement. That she wanted someone to love that it didn't matter if they had a family. But she couldn't have a family without someone she loved.

That's why she smiled at him and allowed him to toy with her. Because she knew she loved him.

But she needed him to know, so she could either move forward or move on.

"What is it you want, Bankotsu?" He glanced at her but say nothing.

"Do you want to settle down? Or maybe go travel?" He shrugged. His back was towards her and facing the forest. The men of her life always had their back towards her. She was always sticking her neck out, willing herself to be hurt.

"Bankotsu?" He still didn't towards her and she sighed.

"I love you," Still nothing, but she knew he was listening. Or at least she hoped he was.

She didn't know exactly what she was asking. She didn't even know if she was wanting anything. Just a release, anything. Her teeth clenched and she grabbed his shoulder.

"Hey listen!" She pulled at him to look at her. He wasn't wearing a smirk, or a frown. Nothing.

"I love you. The least you could do is show some respect!- Just. . . Just tell me you don't love me, ok? Let me move on," The anger left her words quickly as she waited for anything.

"Just marry Koemna. Or that blacksmith's son. You'll be happy with one of them," She shoved his chest away and glared at him.

"Jerk! You didn't answer my question!"

"I didn't know there was a question!" He snapped back. She shoved him again.

"It was implied. Tell me you don't love me!"

"I don't love you!" The air became thick and Kagome stared up at the mercenary. He wasn't looking at her. Anywhere but at her.

"Liar!"

"Fine, don't believe me,"

"I would if you told the truth! Your such a jerk!" She shrieked before turning away, ready to bolt. He grabbed her arm.

"Damn it. You deserve those guys,"

"What's that suppose to mean?!"

"They'll take care of you!"

"Maybe I don't want them! I can take care of myself!"

"They could give you a comfortable life, with kids and all that you want,"

"Maybe I just want you!" She pulled at him, slamming her lips to his. It was awkward and angry. But he grasped her arms to hold her close before they broke away.

"Idiot, I want you." His eyes flickered to her lips then to her eyes.

"I don't care about anything else."

* * *

She had learned more about herself because of her travels then she thought anyone would learn in a life time. She learned she wasn't a control freak, that she needed at least some stability in her life; whether its friends or people close to her.

She learned she couldn't ignore her feelings. That she couldn't close her eyes.

That she couldn't ignore the good side to everyone. That there was a good side to everyone.

Yet she loved that she could. Because she knew Bankotsu was more than a killer. And she loved him. She loved him more than she thought at times. Because he was more then just a mercenary. He was a man that laughed loud and had a line between his eyebrows when he concentrated. He was loyal and loving towards those he trusted. He didn't give up and wanted to live.

She didn't see the man that tried to kill Inuyasha anymore. She saw a man that taunted the children in their village, that kissed her on the forehead whenever he left the village, that smiled so beautifully when they laid together in bed, that held her hand more gently then she thought was possible for him.

Yes, he was the same man. He still killed demons and came back with his hands bloody, he still came back with fresh blood swiped across his white haori. But she loved him and she helped wipe the blood from his palms before it stained.

Even after hating him for so long and being disgusted in his murderous ways, she didn't know how it changed. How she became to love him. But with the destruction of Naraku and departure of her friends, she found she never knew him. That there was so much more to him than anyone knew.

That he was ok with living a life with her, he was ok with becoming lost in history books and stories parents told their children to scare them. Living a life together and fading away into the background.

* * *

_**Hopefully, this try is better and isnt filled with errors (not that Im saying there wont be errors, cause there will be) Hope you enjoyed!**_


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